This is truly how I feel about Cali most of the time…when I leave the country… and realize how much I love it here… 

Granted… if given the opportunity to travel and leave… I will split like a banana… 

My roommate took me to fun movie night with some of his homies.  We watched this doc… super good… Breath taking work!

Doc: Rivers and Tides… watch it!   

M.I.A.: BAD GIRLS 

so obsessed with this shit right now! fucking sick as fuck! 

I need to post all the music videos that I love… Must remember!!!! 

DJ SHADOW AND LITTLE DRAGON: SCALE IT BACK  

I just got back from India, and the whole time I was there… I kept thinking about all the things I missed at home… All the little things…

A decent warm shower

A comfy bed

TV

Food variety… Indian food morning noon and night gets old…

But as days went on…the cold shower felt refreshing after a hot day of running the streets of Panaji… My back adjusted to the firmness of the hard bed, and I would sleep like a rock after a long day of errands.  Books took replacement of the TV.  Now that I am home, I have overindulged in my food variety to make me heavy and sick…

So, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the international date line.  Is it that I miss India?  Or is it that after I return home from a trip a slight feeling of depression overwhelms me?

Whenever I come back from a trip, I have to take a day or two to reflect on my visit… Did I make the most of my time?  How did the people I met, affect my life?  Do I want to go back? These questions usually depress me because it makes me realize that my life in LA is career oriented, uneventful and loveless.  Which then makes me want to go running right back to the country or place that I just visited.

The truth is that, I will always want to run.  Run away from responsibility, run away from doing the dishes, run away from filling out an application, run away from feeling feelings that make me have to feel.  When I get a chance to travel it is like pushing reset on comfort to reevaluate what makes me happy.

I have been to India twice within the last 5 years, these visits have confirmed my desire to see the world.  I want to travel to more places.  I can always come home… I can always have a comfy bed… but my time on this planet is limited and I better start making a move to see more of the world and discovering what makes me happy.   

BOLINAS RIDGE… CLOUDS LIKE PILLOWS

Going back to my old haunts reminds me of the kind of person I was and keeps me grounded… It shows me how much I have progressed…Sacrificing interpersonal realationships for  career… my family in nor cal…missing parties and closeness.. for the hustle…. 

SF… Supper club. Mill valley and fairfax… Hummingbird cafe…bolinas ridge… Gold trannies. Tawapa shopping on Valencia… Clouds like beds… Trees and conversations about aliens… Mill valley beer works has real towels.  Supper club dog bowl dinner and sad booty shakin contests… Catching up with an old Ray… Getting to know a new Ray… Croke misuse with Trevor… Hipster hill sunshine at Delores… Finally met Tish… Blue eyed siamese… “the thing likes to snarl.” drinks with Elise and David wake up at 5am to go back to reality.

Heading to San Diego today…last week I was in nor cal… 

Golden hill… walking the streets at night…Turf club… comfort… my old place walking by… feeling safe.   Missing SD… having to adjust for life…  

Being in LA sometimes you loose yourself and get so wrapped up in work and creating this persona… If you are not out making yourself known to the world how will you ever meet the right people… But if you don’t do the work then the talk will only get you so far… It is hard because naturally I am a social person… To become a hermit sitting in my room for hours editing… Is hard for me.. I always feel like I am missing out on something or someone… Joseph Gordon levitt might be getting drinks at the Dresden. And I am not there to send him over a round… What the fuck! I’m sitting in my room in my underwear editing.  This is bullshit.  I just have to remind myself that in the end I get far more real satisfaction when my project is completed and I am pleased with it than putting that black label to my lips.

The last couple of days… I’ve been frustrated and confused.  Sometimes I don’t know if I truly have what it takes to make it in this business.  I’m not afraid to admit that I question my skills and my integrity… I worry that I have started working in filmmaking and production too late in life.  I begin to question that all the things that I have put aside: starting a family, finding love, working a stable job, spending time with love ones… if pushing all those things to the back burner are all worth it while I brake my back hauling furniture, shlepping boxing and cleaning dirty sets… Then last night on set at the peak of turning mindless… I saw this lady bright in the lights… The praying mantis… When ever I’ve ever doubted myself one of these presents its self to me…  I rarely see one and when I do… I see it as my symbol of going the right direction.

Okay… So I guess I better get ready to do some shlepping! Check out this animal symbolism about the Mantis… 

http://souledout.org/earthday/mantis/pm.html

So… I’m late on the Arcade Fire tip… but… I love this song… I listen to it over and over.. and over and over… and over… 

I want someone to call babe… as I snuggle onto their chest and smell their smell… 

Disclaimer: The only reason that I’m writing this… is out of pure jealousy of those people that are born with fortune…some people are born with silver spoons in their mouths while the rest of us are crawling to the utensil drawing looking for a plastic spork.  I’m totally fortunate, lucky and grateful for the opportunities that I’ve been given…but I’m human… and sometimes…I’m a hater.   On that note… 

MY IMAGINARY DIALOGUE BETWEEN SOFIA AND FRANCES FORD COPPOLA…

INT. KITCHEN. MORNING

Early morning sunlight floods the expansive kitchen, lived in and fairly modestly decorated.  Granite counter tops and upgraded details but classic. 

SOFIA: Hey dad

FRANCES FORD: Morning Sofia

He grabs the morning paper on the kitchen table and scans the front page. She opens the fridge and pulls out a carton of orange juice.  Places the juice on the counter and looks over at her father.

SOFIA: I was wondering. Do you think you could produce this film that I want to make.

FRANCES FORD:  How much do you think it is going to cost?

SOFIA: Uh… well. I don’t know.

He looks up from his paper with uncertainty.

FRANCES FORD: What is it about?

SOFIA: A bunch of virgin sisters in high school that hate their parents and their lives and decide that it would be cool to commit suicide.

FRANCES FORD: Let me run up to the study and get my check book

End Scene